10-16-05
Diner/Bar in Tucson, AZ, Tom Waits and Charlie Parker playing. They have RC and diet RC and Red Velvet cocoa cake. The waitress is thin but pretty. All the kids have too many holes in their faces. I'm so lonely I could cry.
Took the scenic route from my mom's house in Oceanside yesterday through the Palm Desert, which was beautiful but stressful. Like I haven't spent enough time lately in the Desert of the Palm, ha ha ha, uh, shit. All these steep cliffs with no guard rails are just a little too tempting. I felt my hands clamping down on the wheel like I was fighting some unseen force beckoning me over.
The radio's dead, so I just spent the whole day examining my life. At one point, I think I'd actually made peace with breaking up with Allison. I realized that the same narcissim and self-involvement that contributed to the demise of our relationship is also a self-preservation reflex. So I will always be okay... but I guess I'll always be alone. It sucks, because I've had conversations with folks in the past about relationships and they've argued for keeping a little bit of yourself to yourself, and I maintained that for true love, you've got to commit yourself entirely and just trust that the other person won't hurt you. I guess I thought I did that with Allie and I tried to do that with Allie and it seemed at times like she did that with me. I guess, though, that at the end of the day that the gulf between two human beings is insurpassable. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it-- naked, alone and screaming.
The show last night was good, but not as good as I think Ron or I had hoped. It was a decent turnout for one of my shows, but I think it was pretty slim for what they were expecting. One of my favorite performers, Paige the Village Idiot played, which was fucking awesome. Ron was totally hilarious, as expected. I sold two CDs to a couple of chubby girls-- which I'll complain about, but I'm secretly delighted. I'm reaching my target demographic! Ron threw me twenty bucks which I promptly blew at the bar drinking with Paige. Towards the end of the night, I realized I was going to be going home alone, so I made a half-hearted attempt at hitting on an unnattractive girl. Why are other folks not as eager to betray themselves as I am? I went home alone.
Posted by Mishka at December 28, 2005 02:42 AM